So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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