You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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