I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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