Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
