I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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