The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
