You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
