I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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