I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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