you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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