he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
