I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
