Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
