Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
