I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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