three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
