I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
