Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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