I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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