I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
