She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I look better un-naked...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
