Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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