God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
