Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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