Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
