remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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