I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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