I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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