I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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