So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
