They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
