You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
