Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
