i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
