It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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