Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
