Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
