On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
