He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
