we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
