Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
