my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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