I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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