I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
