i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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