Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize