I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
