Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
