woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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