im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
