Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize