sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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