i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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