on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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