12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
