I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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