Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
