Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize