dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
