Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize
