I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize