so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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