god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
