I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I did not marry a roomba.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
