Your face is a jimmy john
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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