I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
