mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
