The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Houston, we have a squirter
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
