There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
